


our love is memetastic

by arituzz



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Crack, M/M, Memes, Sorry Not Sorry, Tumblr Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 00:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7912990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arituzz/pseuds/arituzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon retells his rise and fall (in love) in a way that his daughter can understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [originally posted on tumblr](http://arituzz.tumblr.com/post/149483137578/our-love-is-memetastic)
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> meme count: over 9000  
> (jk)

 

 **Simon:** so yeah, cherry, my son, my dude, now that you are eighteen you deserve to know it

 **Baz:** hoe don’t do it

 **Simon:** i’m gonna tell u how your dad and I fell ~~down the stairs~~ in love, and I’m gonna do it in a way that you, _a Millennial_ , can understand

 **Cherry:** pops, ffs you are a Millennial, too

 **Simon:** first let me present u the MAIN CHARACTERS of the story with _detailed_ description of their personalities:

Penny  - lawful good     **|**    Ebb – neutral good    **|**   Me – chaotic good

Agatha - lawful neutral  **|** the goats - pure neutral **|** the numpties-chaotic neutral

your dad – lawful evil    **|**   Humdrum - neutral evil **|**   the Mage - chaotic evil

 **Baz:** *face palms* wh y?

 **Simon:** anyway, it was the beginning of our last year at watford and baz was kidnapped by numpties…

 **Fiona:** and that’s why he’s not allowed on the front seat.

 **Simon:** and he left me alone at watford which was great bc i had the room all for myself and Baz wasn’t around, he was somewhere out there plotting and i wanted to know where the heck he was and why wasn’t he there and why would he leave me alone and when would my husband return from war but i didn’t miss him at all and it was great

**Baz:**

**Penny:** Ahahaha… he was clearly so into him already… once I asked him about the football pitch and he answered “such pitch, very perfect, much ruthless.” Back then I was like:

but now it makes so much sense.

 **Simon:** yeah whatever. And one night dead grandma pitch came to talk to her son but since he wasn’t there she asked me to pass him the message to avenge her death and kiss him and call him rosebud boy. And I said yes because it creeped the hell out of me.

 **Cherry:** is that why you call me rosebud boy? I appreciate it but I really wish you stopped calling me that… at least not in front of my friends

 **Simon:** ha, a girl can dream

 **Baz:** my mother never called me rosebud boy, you’re making that up…

 **Simon:** In the meantime, Agatha and I broke up

 **Cherry:** because you liked dad?

**Simon:**

**Simon:** so, some weeks later, i was enjoying a light breakfast in the great hall when suddenly bam! your dad finally makes and appearance and i shout oh look here come dat boi and dev and niall and everyone went oh shit waddup this is legit

 **Baz:** that didn’t happen

 **Simon:** and i wanted to run him down and knock him over and snog him senseless

 **Cherry:** what??

 **Simon:** i said that i wanted to know where he had been, what he’d been doing and all that nonsense. 

 **Simon:** but i was still mad bc he and agatha had hold hands the year before

 **Cherry:** wait. dad liked aunt agatha??

**Baz:**

**Simon:** nah he was just trying to piss me off

and also because agatha discovered he was a vampire,

i discovered it two years before, when i found him in the catacombs, surrounded by dead rats

“i know what u are” i told him

“an idiot sandwich?” he said

“vampire” i whispered

 **Simon:** anyway, going back to the story… then one day the humdrum sent a dragon to the school to attack the students so I tried to kill it, but suddenly, your dad jumped off the building to come to the rescue and I was like,

prettiest thing i’d ever seen,

and also,

dem legs ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I’m always a slut for legs **  
**

**Baz:** Yeah? Carry on, Simon

 **Simon:** so he started to cast a spell but wasn’t strong enough and since we were gonna die i though what the hell and went to ~~kiss~~ hug him. but then i accidentally transfered him my power and defeated the dragon, without killing it

 **Simon:** later, in our room, i wanted to continue what we started before and went to hold your dad’s hands and took him to the stars,

“the stars look beautiful tonight,” he said;

“you know who else is beautiful?” i said;

“me?” he asked;

“yeah,” i answered. “no homo tho.”

 **Simon:** then Christmas break came and i was left alone at watford, so i went talk to Ebb my fren the goatherd,

what she said: i’m fine

what she meant: i just- can’t stop thinking about my VAMPIRE brother NICODEMUS? He’s so,, _vampire_ … and his name is so _Nicodemus_ and I miss him so much and HE KNOWS ABOUT NATASHA PITCH’S DEATH, GO TALK TO HIM SIMON

 **Simon:** before leaving, baz had invited me to netflix and chill for christmas at the House of fucking Pitch

 **Fiona:** show some respect kid

 **Simon:** i said no thanks, but then he texted me that his parents weren’t home ;) so i hitchhiked to the gothic mansion

 **Baz:** victorian

 **Simon:** then why do i describe it [like this](http://memedocumentation.tumblr.com/post/115877881010/explained-regional-gothic-meme):

  * you’ve arrived there wearing half the countryside. but baz is wearing jeans. you are very confused. you don’t remember why you are there. you are not sure of your sexuality anymore


  * You enter the haunted house. You take off your boots. Red as blood socks match your enemy’s ears and cheeks. Nothing makes sense


  * You go from one giant room to the other. But there is no one. Egyptian paintings. Greek statues. British ghosts. Japanese toilet. You still can’t believe he’s wearing jeans


  * You arrive to the dining room. The stepmother is grimm. She blinks at you. You mumble “nice to meet you” and move on


  * You follow your sworn enemy to his bedroom. You talk to him about a petty vampire. He sneers. You put your hand on his chest. He licks his lips. You wish he licked yours


  * You go to dinner but he doesn’t eat. You feel like he’s eating your heart instead


  * He shows you to your room. There’s something under the bed, so you go to your enemy’s room again. The pillows smell like him. He creeps you out. But not really. You settle on his couch and listen to him breathe. You are finally able to fall asleep



**Simon:** so then we went to the vampires lair to findNicodemus, we asked him why the vamps broke into watford,, he just shrugged and said that there was mewtwo in the nursery,

and we were like holy shit really?!

but it wasn’t there anymore and so baz lost the will to live and tried to set us on fire in the forest, it was too hot

 **Baz:** hot damn

 **Simon** : I was like “chill” and he was like “how bout maybe you chill?!”

and my brain was like “kiss him”,

and i was like “whyyy”,

and the brain was like “u gotta, his mother said so”,

So ofc I kissed him,

then the fire stopped, and we kissed, and kissed, and kissed,

until your dad stopped. because vampire

 **Baz:** tfw you’re passionately snogging your enemy but you have to go suck some animal’s blood

 **Simon:** then we went back to the grimm and the pitches

and your dad asked me “what do you want?”

and i said “you to be my terrible boyfriend please and thank”

and he said “one kiss and u think we’re happy boyfriends?”

and i thought 10/10 would kiss again, so i did

the next day, the gal pals came to the mansion, and i heard something about agatha seducing a vampire, and i thought she wanted to seduce baz so i said “nobody’s seducing a vampire”

and baz said “i can’t hear you over the sound of my eyes rolling” or something like that

 **Baz:** i didn’t say anything

 **Simon:** then the gals left, and i came back, and i met the humdrum,

he said “who are you?”

and i said “i’m you but gayer,” “who are _you_?”

he said “[Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See, it doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies. And you are sad that you have no friends.”](http://memedocumentation.tumblr.com/post/122901330730/explained-0-divided-by-0-meme)

then baz came and shouted “young man”

“there’s a dead spot in my house”

“i said, young man”

“you should just, like, be out.”

 **Simon:** then I went to watford to tell the mage

 **Penny:** ugh i hated the mage

 **Baz:** i didn’t?? know?? you hated?? the mage?

 **Penny:** i just hate people who dress like that… we get it you smoke weed

 **Simon:** and agatha was like 1000% done, she said “i came out here to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now,” so she shoved breadsticks (and a dog) into her purse and ran,

then I arrived to the Chapel and found the Mage with Ebb,

 _Mmm Whatcha Say_ was playing in the background, that’s how i knew ebb was dead,

then penny and baz arrived,

and the mage said “come, simon, i want to hurt you”

“*hug, damn auto-correct”

“this is verbal conversation,” i replied, “stop hurting me!”

and he was like

then penny casted a spell on me

i said “sto pp pls” and the mage died

 **Penny:** then i realized that baz loved simon,

he’d been dropping hints that he sort of kinda liked simon

he said “I love Simon”

 **Simon:** then Leavers ball came, and i surprised your dad in a suit

 **Baz:** good shit goOd sHit thats some good shit right there right there if i do 5ay so my self 100 i say so 100 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: right there) mMMMM M 100 HO0OoOOOOOOooOooo000000000 Good shit

 **Cherry:** dad can u not

 **Simon:** it was so romantic, he called me cute names like:

  * corageous fuck
  * u couldn’t be a bigger mess
  * fucking tragedy



and he said “i couldn’t catch mewtwo, but.” “Simon Snow, I choose you, you’re rarer than any pepe i’ve seen.”

and I used _Attract_ , it was super effective

and he also said that he was never gonna give me up, never gonna let me down, never gonna tell a lie and hurt me 

and that’s it

 **Cherry:** okay… that sounds fake, but okay

 **Simon:** that’s how i fell in love with your dad, Tyrannus- *looks at smudged writing on hand* saurus grimm bitch

 **Baz:** excuse you

 **Cherry:** concept—for me to have normal dads

-GUN-


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will baz be able to explain his and simons love story to their second born?? 
> 
> the answer may shock you!1!!

inspired by [this](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)

* * *

 

 **baz** : some-

 **jean** : oh n0

 **cherry** : i cant believe this is happening again

 **simon** : -BODE ONCE TOLD ME

 **baz** : okay jean dear son listen carefully

so it was the beginning of a new school year at watford,, and i was… _indisposed_

 **simon** :

  


 

**baz** : yeah ok and then aunt fiona took me back to watford

she said “cant believe they changed the hollywood sign again”

i didnt understand at first,, but then i saw it with my damn own two eyes:

  


 

so i came back to watford and your father was sobbing like “i lost my roommate and best enemy”

and at first i was “quit telling everyone i’m dead!!”

“sometimes i can still hear his voice,” he said

but then i remembered. i am a dead. 

i love dying and being dead.

so he then told me that your grandma had come to visit me and that i just missed her for. one. single. fuckinnn. day. and i was very chill about it

 **simon** :

  


[Originally posted by gorgeousphan](http://tmblr.co/Zhf6Hf2Ipe-8B)

 

**baz** : anyways your father and i made a truce to find my mum’s killer whomst was somehow related with someone named nicodemus

then i invited him to the mansion for christmas because i wanted to 

  


[Originally posted by mateytatey](http://tmblr.co/ZJZAsm1omc4DX)

 

he wanted to play hard to get but ofc he ended up coming

i opened the door dressed like this:

  


 

and simon was like:

  


 

then we went to see the petty vampire whomst didnt tell us nothing

me: guess i’ll have to keep investigating

me @ me: why dont u set a forest on fire and just die

  


 

and i told your father “let me die”

he said “die? tf u complaining for. you dont know what DYING is,, I die 24/7 for u,. you dont see me crying bitch”

and he kissed me

it was perfect, nothing could spoil the moment

blood lust:

  


[Originally posted by udislove](http://tmblr.co/ZES_1i2F494GX)

 

so i drained a deer and we continued the party home

i said “snow are u a gay?”

he said “im not gay but im queer because i think i like u which subverts the societal norm that i can think”

and i was like:

  


 

so i checked the horoscope

_The Signs As Simon’s Possible Sexuality_

_aries - bisexual_

_taurus - pansexual_

_gemini - demisexual_

_cancer - omnisexual_

_leo - polysexual_

_virgo - asexual_

_libra - skoliosexual_

_scorpio - vampiresexual_

_sagittarius - tyrannusexual_

_capricorn - bazsexual_

_aquarius - jeansexual_

_pisces - jortsexual_

Then the gals came and your father said “nobodys seducing a vampire”

me:

  


 

then the gals left and the humdrum appeared and simon yelled to me “dont talk to me or my son ever again”

 **Simon** : thats not true!

 **Baz** : and he evolved into a dragon and left

 **Simon** : im not a pokemon..

 **Cherry** : u kinda are..

 **Baz** : anyways then i discovered the mage killed my mum and wanted to hurt simon so i went to his rescue

i said to the mage “dont hurt him!”

and he said “not to worry i have a permit”:

  


 

so simon killed him.

and agatha was like “nothing can hurt you if you detach yourself from everything and just run away”

  


 

then i confessed my love to your father:

  


 

and thats pretty much it. any questions?

 **Jean** : yes, is your shipname frostbite or snaz?

 **Cherry** : its snowbaz, ya doof

 **Baz** : you - snowbaz

me, an intellectual - _Sirannus Snitch_

 **Cherry:** thats why we cant have nice things

 **Jean** : dad, is it true u can lay egs??

 **Simon** : me when ppl believe i can hatch an egg:

  


 

**Cherry** : this is the future the liberals want

-GUN-

* * *

 

we arrive at the end of the fic

memes: used

trashy fic: extended

author: not sorry

_**ari is forcibly removed from the fandom** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's okay to hate me


End file.
